Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I Need Some Fucking Ketchup.


As dane cook has stated in one of his comedy routines... when you need ketchup, there is nothing that can stop you at this goal. Your friend could be contemplating suicide and you'd interrupt them to get some ketchup for your hot tasty french fries. But enough on how awesome ketchup is... it's time to divulge into the dark side of this tomato-based product.

The bane of my existance is what one would call the "ketchup packet." You all have seen them, we've all used them, we all hate them.

First of all, this tiny metal packet is filled with about thimble's worth of ketchup. Who the hell uses 1 packet of ketchup for their entire meal? Have you ever seen ANYONE use just 1 packet? No. You haven't. Cause it doesn't happen... Some of you are thinking "but what if i don't like ketchup?" Shutup, i'm not talking to the weird people who prefer to put mustard on their food instead of ketchup... go read mustard users magazine, cause no one cares... anyways, if you're only using 1 packet of ketchup, there's a strong chance that it's the last ketchup packet in the joint.

Secondly, it's so much work having to open every single packet just to get a small amount out... all these places that still have packets need to get those ketchup pumps. So the ketchup fiends like myself and Steiner can get our fix.

There are also some people in this world who don't open a ketchup packet properly... you know who you are you lazy mofos. You're the people who just make 1 rip down the center of the packet, and just leave half of the ketchup still in the packet when you dispose of it... shameful. The correct way to do it is to tear off a corner, that way your fingers can stay ketchup free and you can squeeze out all the ketchup outta the packet.

As if all of this wasn't enough, there's also 1 more thing that can sneak up on you and ruin your dining experience....

That gunk that is almost ALWAYS on some of the packets in the collection of packets.... what the hell is this crap... it looks like freaking honey. It's sticky as hell and is just repulsive when you get some on your hands. Is it glue from the manufacturing of the packets? is it actually honey? is it dried ketchup? who the hell knows.... but what i DO know is that it's disgusting. and it's almost on your hands when you grab from a ketchup bin.




And yes, i know the packet in the picture isn't in english... leave me alone, it was the first one i found on google.

8 comments:

Ashley said...

Omg thank you for touching on the idiots that rip the package of ketchup down the middle. That always pisses me off... I'm like wtf are you doing you moron!

Grumpy Ump said...

Solution: Never eat in a place that hands out the packets. Problem solved. if it hurts, don't do it.

Tom said...

Wait...I rip it down the center...

But I think you're talking about the people that do the rip, then proceed to squirt the ketchup every which way... since it's impossible to properly direct the flow of ketchup coming from one single rip down the middle if all you do is make the rip and start squeezing.


NOW...there is a very fine way to extract the ketchup in a clean, controlled, and efficient way with just a single rip down the middle. You gotta fold the one side over as you squirt, making almost what I'd call a mini-pump. get it? That way you keep the ketchup packet intact(i.e.-no little ketchup covered packet corner that you have to deal with afterward). Controlled squirts, people. That's what I'm talking about. And I don't mean the runs.

Of course, neither method does much to combat the ketchup funk honey that you get on the side of the packets.

Anonymous said...

You can just carry a gallon of ketchup with you everywhere you go too.

Life is just easier if you aren't addicted to condiments. They don't control you.

-Pat

MotherOf3Guys said...

I am reminded of the saying, "I like ketchup on my ketchup." We don't have to buy those gallon jugs of ketchup anymore now that you are living with your brother!
PS I also need to wash your mouth out with soap...your loving mother!

Jeff said...

I was quoting someone, so go wash out dane cook's mouth, he said it first.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

I just went to Wendy's and got some burgers... I asked for 9 Packets because 3 on each is great.. she gives me 4.. i had to fight for the other 5.. then when i got them they had that sticky crap all over them.. I thought to myself I wonder if anyone ever talked about this online and here I find your blog, Awesome!