Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Boys and Girls.

Explicit content within.

I realize that my audience is primarily my family, but i found an article the other day that i found interesting. It was labeled "50 Things She Wishes You Knew" from the Men's Health Magazine.

Instead of linking it, i thought that i would provide a rebuttal, comment, or something that "He Wishes You Knew." So, here goes:

Once again i need to warn the readers that some of this will be very racy and vulgar, but it comes with the territory... nothing you couldn't find in Cosmo.

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
- Yes it does... if you really mean it.

2. Real men drive stick shift.
- Yes they do... and i can ;-)

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
-You are cute in MY raglan-sleeved T-shirts, or any of my clothes for that matter.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
-Thank god men don't get pregnant.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
-You fit there, that's why we do it.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
-Unless it's "GIRL YOU'RE FINEEEEE" (see Pablo Fransisco)

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
-Ok, that's just hot.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
-Stacy's mom has got it going on.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
-I need to write more emails.

11. I expect you to call me.
-I know, but can a brother please get some calls too please? I need to know if you're going to bed before me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
-I am a rock star, so this point doesn't affect me.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
-um... i don't even know how to respond to this one... help me, help you.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
- Thank god.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
- Ditto.... minus the shoes part. in fact, it's the get-out-of-anything-free card.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
-Wow... sex for payment? Seems awfully un-punishingly if you ask me.... and yes un-punishingly is a word.

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
-d. a bitch who sucked 5 years out of your life.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
- Dear women, we need help looking fashionable. If we don't, then we're gay.

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
- You probably own Spice Girls, Ace of Base, and Alanis Morisette too.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
- *Silence*

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
- A woman I love plans to cook for me, clean for me, and generally please me in any way that i choose.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
-I really hope this is true cause i happen to think that the hoodie is the best clothing item ever made... minus the wonder bra.

23. You should never tell me what to do.
-Be more hypocritical please...

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
-Does IHOP count?

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
-My lips agree with you.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
-This is impossible.... cause you always hang out with your big fat friend who will most doubtly cock-block me.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
-(see my comment for #18)

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
- Sometimes its fun to let you lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
-I have a lot of blue shirts, and i abuse them. yay blue.

30. I want to be Madonna.
-What is this, 1985?

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
- Why would i..... OOOOOOOO.... i get it.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
-Even when I'm sweating all over it?

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
-Awesome, i shave, i fix things, i wear T-shirts and jeans, i drive, i like peaches, and i will soon be an uncle... i'm sexy.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
-Listen... we try.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
-Lucky for me, i think everything is better in surprise form.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
-But what about that time i ate 7 plates of thumbs and toes on all you can eat night? (Love you Tom).

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
-i'm beginning to see a trend here... a lot of these are very self-centered.

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
-Unless you're trashing them... then it's fun.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
- I'm gonna give you ladies a hint here on the thinking of men... at any given point, my mind is on one of the following: Food, Boobs, My next big purchase, Boobs, Beer, and Boobs. Enjoy.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
-I guess remembering it is key to this one huh?

41. I love it when you're sweaty.
-Most of the time sweaty is accompanied by stinky too you realize.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
-Negative... it's best to consult YOUR girlfriends for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
-Hey... most of the time we try, but get shot down... that sends me the wrong message.

44. I like porn.
-HAHAHAHAHAHA... i'm not even going to bring this up with you... this is a trap if i've ever seen one. Men... don't fall for this one or you'll be getting "Am i prettier than Jenna Jameson?" from that moment on. Avoid this topic at all costs.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
-Its even better when you squeeze.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
-Even nice guys like that too.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
-So stripclubs are now considered cheating? cause i KNOW that you don't want to see that, hear that, or even read about that.

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
- Cheat? who cheats? oh yeah... every asshole you ever dated... give the nice guys a chance for once.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.
-Excellent... just don't give us an quiz on when the first time we drank from the same straw of my drink.

50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
- Wow... seriously lady, get a clue... men need to be told how to be effective for you. i mean... how am i supposed to know that you want to be madonna, and what can i do about it? and that whole independence one... i mean come on.

Anyways, there's the 50... enjoy it.

On a side note, sorry about the long hiatus, i've been busy and non-inspired. But i will try from now on to get out at least 1 a week. So bug me more often people. Owens out.


Jessy said...

ALLLLLL I'm gonna say is this...

7) UMMMMMM... No.
8) Duh.
9) My name isn't Stacey, and trust me my mom is more prone to going OFF.
18) Yes, you do.
21) You can do your own damned dishes from this point on.
23) I never DO!
26) Touche salesman.

<3 Jessy

Justin said...

one more thing...

54) that's so true!!